Vacuuming is not foreplay
On raising the bar
Eons ago, when I was working at Barnes and Noble, a little novelty book hit the scene. Porn for Women was a hit. It featured men doing basic household chores in normal clothing. The title was a gag—there was nothing pornographic, titulating, or sexual about the book, but we sure sold a lot of them for girls nights and bachelorette parties:
I admit, I found the book hilarious. It captured the anger of women in partnershits, took the “My god, how can you think I want sex when I am so exhausted by our life and you don’t help!” frustration, and alchemized it into humor. It gave us a way of laughing through the pain. This was important and healing, and I don’t want to take away from that.
The problem came when we stopped at the joke. The gag took some pressure off, and the breathing room that was created by that could have been used for us to begin examining the issues, suss out what we need, to heal. When we stopped at the joke, we flattened a nuanced, multi-faceted issue into a simple prescription for men: “Does your partner have less interest in sex than you want? Try housework! Women are turned on by men who sweep the floor! Women’s sexual drive is linked to how the dishes get done!”
I recently saw a heartbreaking post on Threads. The OP wasn’t laughing, rather, she had burrowed into this joke as though it were serious, encouraging men that full participation in the business of their own adult lives and acknowledging their partner’s full humanity was foreplay. I could feel the pain rolling off the thread, the comments, and more than pain, the deep exhaustion.
On top of the issues any relationship is faced with, women who are partnered with men, or who want to be, are fighting an uphill battle against Patriarchal expectations. The bar for male behaviour is in hell, and decent men who are just trying to be good partners both benefit from this socially and deal with fallout from this in their own relationships. When a man is constantly praised for baseline decent behavior, it’s understandable that he might be mystified when his wife or girlfriend is frustrated or distant. And it’s understandable when his partner wonders if she’s just asking too much. After all, not only is he not abusive, he helps out around the house! From there, feelings of guilt multiply and guilt is decidedly unsexy.
As I write this, I’m holding a side conversation with some friends about how we’ve made everything into kink. “Is it actually kink or are we just trying to make basic adult functions appealing to men?” “We say he’s a Pleasure Dom but he’s just a considerate lover focused on her pleasure. Shouldn’t that be standard?” “Is it competency kink or am I just attracted to adults?”
One of the biggest problems in the housework-as-foreplay conversation is that it flattens women’s sexuality and creates another path for misunderstanding between male and female partners. It further entrenches the idea that women’s sexual needs aren’t primarily physical but emotional. This is the driving myth behind the Orgasm Gap, the term researchers have given the percentage gap between how frequently men and women orgasm. Various studies place that gap anywhere from 24 to 51 points apart for heterosexual sex, and women are always on the losing end. 1
Men, I’ll hold your hand while I say this: the likelihood of your wife or girlfriend having a sexual response to you doing dishes is slim to none. If you approach sex with the idea that she’s already turned on because you cleaned the bathroom, you’ll be left wondering why she isn’t raring to go. Female sexuality may be more responsive2, and lowering her stress may help set the stage, but clean dishes aren’t the key to the female orgasm. If your response to this is “What’s the point then?” Buddy, you’ve fallen at the first hurdle. Viewing women as people is not foreplay; it’s a prerequisite to being a good human. Washing dishes and caring for your own kids is not foreplay; it’s being an adult.
Housework is housework, and foreplay is foreplay. I’m not saying “and never the twain shall meet” but I would love for our discussion on what makes a good partner to stop conflating the two. We can raise the bar, y’all.
The cover of that book fried me lmaoooo. the bar isnt low its in HELL .
I love how you layer things in your writing. I love the embrace of this nuance while looking at the realities of desire. 💖💕